“I hope the social media director for ISIS didn’t get beheaded when their YouTube account got shut down. Although… it’s probably tough to get a job with ‘Social Media Director for ISIS’ on your résumé, so maybe it would be better if they did kill him.”

“Whenever I think about Ebola, I think about the Nigerian princes who tried to put a virus on my computer and think ‘Boy, they sure are getting what was coming to them.’”