100 Items on My Christmas List

‘Tis the season for festivities, tidings, nog, and yule. What will Santa Klaus bring me this year? I can only hope it’s one of the following items from my Christmas list…

  1. a support group for emotional support pigs
  2. fanciful donut glazes
  3. a game of Risk with Malala Yousafzai & Liu Xiaobo
  4. decertified Sprite Zero
  5. closed tabs
  6. a remembrance of Februaries past
  7. love in a space elevator
  8. Wichita
  9. green eggs and Jon Hamm
  10. a virile beluga whale named Hank
  11. the friendship of Paula Zahn
  12. organic skim milk from Pyongyang
  13. a denial of beige
  14. quiet beefaroni
  15. variable-quality battery packs
  16. The comic styling of Sasheer Zamata
  17. a portrait of an abandoned White Castle by Kehinde Wiley
  18. tremendous tree barks
  19. a jovial sweatband by Vera Wang
  20. the number 37
  21. tall tales
  22. a violet-lacquered soap dish
  23. the linens of Mary, Queen of Scots
  24. a hat made from venetian glass and polyester by Emile Pingat
  25. assorted beards
  26. a 2-minute handshake with Zig Ziglar
  27. a Spike Lee joint starring James Wolk & Artemis Pebdani
  28. spoiled high fructose corn syrup
  29. Jonathan Taylor Thomas’s 1998 calendar
  30. independence from sweat
  31. engorged plastic bearded faces
  32. artistic rope photography
  33. eucalyptus in autumn
  34. sudden movements
  35. a cardigan made from steel wool and perseverance
  36. independence from chastity
  37. agave Maria
  38. America Ferrera’s fallen crest
  39. Chalk
  40. a deconstructed hug from a lumberjack named Alastair
  41. fed birds
  42. Zelda Rubinstein’s effervescence
  43. a symphony of milk’s curdles, yak mating calls, and pan flutes
  44. deconstructed American ingenuity
  45. a twice baked potato installed with a security camera
  46. various cans
  47. petit déjeuner with Gorilla Monsoon
  48. Gabourey Sidibe’s general discomfort™
  49. a pre-nup signed by Linda Hunt
  50. a pack of hoisin and bok choy Hubba Bubba
  51. 30 more minutes
  52. alabaster whims and fancies
  53. Judy Garland’s alcoholism
  54. a growler of Gustave Beer
  55. a box for my otters
  56. an intense game of Parcheesi with my alleged crimes, Nick Jonas, and Rafalca Romney.
  57. a fondue pot
  58. a spiritual cleansing with Sam Mikulak
  59. the 11th Thursday in August
  60. a feeling of remorse for Herman’s Head
  61. Dateline Thursday
  62. the vocal talents of Sterling Holloway
  63. Norwegian inspiration
  64. a Camembert sculpture of Margaret Thatcher
  65. a burgundy shawl knitted by a Jamaican woman named Aloha
  66. revenge on the Concord leaf peepers
  67. challahpeño bread
  68. Denmark
  69. a tour of a creamed corn cannery
  70. a startling lack of truculence
  71. Jake Gyllenhaal’s musk
  72. bovine suffrage
  73. capricious Oregonian wood nymphs
  74. a Judy Tenuta film festival
  75. thunder, thunder, Thundercats—HO!!!!
  76. a mirthful fascination with chemical engineering
  77. a red garnet cut to look like Lester Holt
  78. regretful Croatian soil
  79. the theory of relativity
  80. a butterscotch and plain water
  81. 70 degrees Fahrenheit
  82. scrubbing bubbles
  83. Kathy Bates’s Baltimore accent
  84. One of the bridges of Madison county
  85. Jennifer Grey’s old nose
  86. the cow as white as milk
  87. the cape as red as blood
  88. the hair as yellow as corn
  89. the slipper as pure as gold
  90. a Gareth Pugh silver polyurethane mirrored coat
  91. a single McDonald’s french fry
  92. an emotional support battle cat
  93. a dazzling matutinal routine
  94. a divorce from artifice
  95. a bust of Artemis
  96. an artsy Miss named Mamie
  97. the gap between Sandra Bernhard’s teeth
  98. the love of a spoon-billed sandpiper
  99. October
  100. a portrait of Kiernan Shipka eating hummus
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