‘Tis the season for festivities, tidings, nog, and yule. What will Santa Klaus bring me this year? I can only hope it’s one of the following items from my Christmas list…

1. a support group for emotional support pigs
2. fanciful donut glazes
3. a game of Risk with Malala Yousafzai & Liu Xiaobo
4. decertified Sprite Zero
5. closed tabs
6. a remembrance of Februaries past
7. love in a space elevator
8. Wichita
9. green eggs and Jon Hamm
10. a virile beluga whale named Hank
11. the friendship of Paula Zahn
12. organic skim milk from Pyongyang
13. a denial of beige
14. quiet beefaroni
15. variable-quality battery packs
16. The comic styling of Sasheer Zamata
17. a portrait of an abandoned White Castle by Kehinde Wiley
18. tremendous tree barks
19. a jovial sweatband by Vera Wang
20. the number 37
21. tall tales
22. a violet-lacquered soap dish
23. the linens of Mary, Queen of Scots
24. a hat made from venetian glass and polyester by Emile Pingat
25. assorted beards
26. a 2-minute handshake with Zig Ziglar
27. a Spike Lee joint starring James Wolk & Artemis Pebdani
28. spoiled high fructose corn syrup
29. Jonathan Taylor Thomas’s 1998 calendar
30. independence from sweat
31. engorged plastic bearded faces
32. artistic rope photography
33. eucalyptus in autumn
34. sudden movements
35. a cardigan made from steel wool and perseverance
36. independence from chastity
37. agave Maria
38. America Ferrera’s fallen crest
39. Chalk
40. a deconstructed hug from a lumberjack named Alastair
41. fed birds
42. Zelda Rubinstein’s effervescence
43. a symphony of milk’s curdles, yak mating calls, and pan flutes
44. deconstructed American ingenuity
45. a twice baked potato installed with a security camera
46. various cans
47. petit déjeuner with Gorilla Monsoon
48. Gabourey Sidibe’s general discomfort™
49. a pre-nup signed by Linda Hunt
50. a pack of hoisin and bok choy Hubba Bubba
51. 30 more minutes
52. alabaster whims and fancies
53. Judy Garland’s alcoholism
54. a growler of Gustave Beer
55. a box for my otters
56. an intense game of Parcheesi with my alleged crimes, Nick Jonas, and Rafalca Romney.
57. a fondue pot
58. a spiritual cleansing with Sam Mikulak
59. the 11th Thursday in August
60. a feeling of remorse for Herman’s Head
61. Dateline Thursday
62. the vocal talents of Sterling Holloway
63. Norwegian inspiration
64. a Camembert sculpture of Margaret Thatcher
65. a burgundy shawl knitted by a Jamaican woman named Aloha
66. revenge on the Concord leaf peepers
67. challahpeño bread
68. Denmark
69. a tour of a creamed corn cannery
70. a startling lack of truculence
71. Jake Gyllenhaal’s musk
72. bovine suffrage
73. capricious Oregonian wood nymphs
74. a Judy Tenuta film festival
75. thunder, thunder, Thundercats—HO!!!!
76. a mirthful fascination with chemical engineering
77. a red garnet cut to look like Lester Holt
78. regretful Croatian soil
79. the theory of relativity
80. a butterscotch and plain water
81. 70 degrees Fahrenheit
82. scrubbing bubbles
83. Kathy Bates’s Baltimore accent
84. One of the bridges of Madison county
85. Jennifer Grey’s old nose
86. the cow as white as milk
87. the cape as red as blood
88. the hair as yellow as corn
89. the slipper as pure as gold
90. a Gareth Pugh silver polyurethane mirrored coat
91. a single McDonald’s french fry
92. an emotional support battle cat
93. a dazzling matutinal routine
94. a divorce from artifice
95. a bust of Artemis
96. an artsy Miss named Mamie
97. the gap between Sandra Bernhard’s teeth
98. the love of a spoon-billed sandpiper
99. October
100. a portrait of Kiernan Shipka eating hummus