Thousands of votes have been cast. There have been tears of joy and tears of sadness. 28 sexy boys have said adieu. Their partings were such sweet sorrow. Now stand the final four men of Disney March Maleness: Disney Hipster Keith, Tim Tracker, Drunk At Disney, and me.
Your votes on Thursday, March 26, will determine the two finalists of the competition. To vote, simply tweet “I’m voting for @______ in #DisneyMarchMaleness.”
Remember that we are playing for great causes; the time for the popularity contest is over—now I urge you to vote for the guy whose cause touches you the most.
Without further ado, the Disney March Maleness Final Four:
Disney Hipster Keith vs. Tim Tracker
Remember at the end of season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer how—in order to defeat The Big Bad—Buffy, Willow, Giles, and Xander merged into one psyche inside Buffy’s body? Well, with the way Tim Tracker has been barreling through this tournament, I thought Keith could use a little help. Really, The Disney Hipsters are a team, and they stand or fall together. Adam, Andrew, and Jamie have been standing with Keith this whole competition, so I’ve decided to let this super Scooby Gang merge forces for this one battle only. You may vote for @DisneyHipsters, @JKDisneyHip, AND Keith himself at @KJDisneyHip to cast a vote for Keith. You may still only vote once per hipster account, though. If Keith moves on to the finals, then it’s back to being a lone wolf.
But I need to point out that Tim is not The Big Bad—far from it! He and his wife, Jenn, have been tremendous in spreading the word about Disney March Madness. They have pledged to match the $100 I would give to Give Kids the World Village if he wins. His legion of fans have come out en masse to support him and he has graciously voted for his opponent time after time. Can he keep up the momentum? He received fewer votes in the Adonis Eight round when all the other contenders gained votes. His first two opponents did not campaign. Is the Tim Tracker juggernaut for real or is it time for Disney Hipster Keith to pay the price? Can the combined power of The Disney Hipsters defeat THE Tim Tracker? It’s a bit unlikely to happen, but we like to discuss it anyway.
Drunk At Disney vs. Turkey Leg Jeff
I may come across as a happy-go-lucky fellow, but this match will be a tale of bitter revenge. Drunkie handily vanquished my beloved smoke monster, Brandon Glover, in the Adonis Eight round. No more smoky selfies. No more renditions of me singing “I’ll Make Glove to You” in my head. This means war, Drunkie!!
I honestly never thought I’d make it out of the first round of Disney March Maleness. I’m really flattered to be here in the Final Four, though I am facing my toughest challenge yet. Drunkie has been a congenial contender—posting videos, replying with thanks to each of the hundreds of votes cast for him, and graciously supporting his opponents. He has done it all with the most casual air, yet he has been working vigorously to forage for votes. But you never see him sweat, and that’s part of the charm. I’m going to have to overturn the fixins bar to find a way to take this superstar down and advance to the finals.
Can I drink this drunkie under the table, or will this beer-bellied beauty gobble me up and advance?