100 Items on My Christmas List: 2015 Edition

The season for festivities, tidings, nog, and yule will be here before you know it. What will Santa Klaus bring me this year? I can only hope it’s one of the following items from my Christmas list…

  1. The glamour of Hollywood
  2. Fetid mistletoe
  3. Carly Rae Jepson’s preferred mixologist
  4. The eternal flame of Belinda Carlisle’s eyeliner
  5. A permanent position on fleek
  6. A trio of naval officers named Dave, David, and Davey
  7. Grace under fire under the stars
  8. Rotterdam
  9. An ever growing appreciation of Stephanie J Block
  10. The waning hope of the people of Syria
  11. A Smithsonian exhibit of National Geographic’s free world maps
  12. Something after time besides time
  13. The Rocky Balboa Picture Show
  14. Marinated truths
  15. Mr. T’s Mobile
  16. The delight of spring
  17. Beijing’s Hujialou Station in oils
  18. Tilda Swinton-flavored Turkish delight
  19. A statue of Sean Hannity’s hubris
  20. My Anmar
  21. A hug from the color coquelicot
  22. Hastily-arranged freckles
  23. Wedded bliss
  24. A studio apartment in Eddie Cibrian’s left dimple
  25. Alex Rodriguez’s crippling inferiority complex
  26. Fond reflections of a bygone era
  27. The former exuberance of a Jack Russell terrier
  28. The eternal flame of Don Knott’s comedy
  29. Leaflets concerning syphilis
  30. An Internet posting about crossfit activities
  31. Ramin Karimloo’s sweat
  32. Ambidextrous beavers
  33. The view from the bridge
  34. A close relationship with a dalmatian named Ralph
  35. Crackling speakers
  36. Pesky emotional fax machines
  37. Harmonious Cypriot tidings
  38. My Aangelou
  39. Audra McDonald’s green bean casserole recipe
  40. An adequate defense against the gum disease known as gingivitis
  41. Deep sea fishing rights
  42. A successful pickup game with Hunter Strickland
  43. Mediocre monopolies on meaningless markets
  44. Color printing
  45. Wood carvings of 1920s American mailbox art
  46. Loquacious beef sliders
  47. Meadham Kirchhoff’s dystopian vision
  48. Carrie Fisher’s malaise
  49. Porcelain petulance
  50. Effervescent ruination of the people of New Jersey
  51. A variety of aces of spades
  52. Maritime law
  53. Justin Beiber and lavender Oreos
  54. Munificent bongos
  55. The hardening of Kathy Najimy’s resolve
  56. Histrionics
  57. A lifetime free of the jejune hip hop
  58. The Verducci Effect
  59. Pi’s 94th numeral
  60. Never ending chairs
  61. Passive limes
  62. Authentic Moroccan Cuisine
  63. The cheerful togetherness of 2 PM Eastern, 1 PM Central
  64. The eternal flame of Centralia
  65. Red tape
  66. A stocking full of Gerrit Cole
  67. A hot tub powered by Julian Edelman’s smolder
  68. Aggressive USB cords
  69. A mustard-stained Nasir Mazhar sports bra
  70. Heavy handed church mice
  71. A night of racketeering with Marin Cilic
  72. All I care to enjoy lumberjacks
  73. Hydrogen
  74. A ring around Rosie O’Donnell
  75. A chance encounter with a boutique of hemlock trees
  76. Diabolical gingers
  77. Carrie Brownstein’s overt gestures
  78. Lonesome graffiti artisans
  79. Confrontational royalists
  80. Elements
  81. The furious, capricious howls of Tony Danza
  82. Equine empowerment
  83. Imaginary geometry study groups
  84. A penguin fight club refereed by Danny DeVito
  85. Fizzy silk traders
  86. An intergalactic polar bear pirate named Commander Roderick Rufflestuff
  87. Betty White’s memory charms
  88. Compassionate clairvoyance
  89. Digital asset management
  90. A cleansing of abusive Floridians
  91. Rare bananas and the women they love
  92. Six apricots previously consumed by Liza Minelli
  93. Dropped calls
  94. The illogical invasion of the Andorran people
  95. A dramatic college major
  96. Greater pull with the incapacitated quadruped community
  97. Asia
  98. A decadent family of lemons
  99. Jessica Chastain’s serenity
  100. Parasitic pig glands
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Disney March Maleness: The Finals

It’s here. The final match of Disney March Maleness. The votes have been cast and tallied. I am pleased to announce that the two finalists for the Disney March Maleness crown are…

Tim Tracker vs Drunk At Disney

Tim Tracker & Drunk At Disney

Now before you go vote, I want to tell you about our final surprise. We will be adding some excitement for the championship match.

Here’s the deal:

  • The Disney March Maleness finals will take place from 12:01 AM (ET) Friday, March 27 – 11:59 PM (ET) Saturday, March 28. That means you have 2 days to vote instead of the usual 1 day.
  • Each dollar that you pledge to donate to Give Kids the World Village (@GKTWVillage) will count as a vote for Tim Tracker
  • Each dollar that you pledge to donate to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society (@mssociety) will count as a vote for Drunk At Disney
  • Of course you do not have to donate! You can continue to vote in the manner we have been leading up to the finals and that will count as one vote for your guy!
  • I will tally all votes and donations and the winner will be announced Sunday, March 29, at noon (ET)

Disney March Maleness has always been about raising awareness and funds for worthy causes. Tim and Drunkie have been incredible in supporting this contest and talking about their respective organizations. I have pledged to donate $100 to the winner’s cause, and I hope with your support we can raise significantly more for BOTH guys’ causes.

Some notes on voting:

  • Please @ mention the organization that you are pledging to donate to. Their twitter handles are above. I would like for them to see that this is happening!
  • Please @ mention the guy who you are casting your vote for.
  • Please use #DisneyMarchMaleness in your tweet casting your vote and/or pledging your donation

So here’s what your vote might look like:

“I’m pledging $__ to @mssociety for @DrunkAtDisney! #DisneyMarchMaleness”

It’s that simple!

But two last things:
Please follow through with your pledge. If you say you will donate $XX to Give Kids the World or the National MS Society, Tim, Drunkie, and I take you at your word that you will do so. To not would be a violation of the spirit of the tournament. I also ask that you do not pledge any donation under the condition that your guy wins. That is to say, please don’t pledge to give to the National MS Society ONLY if Drunk At Disney wins. Give out of the goodness of your heart, regardless of the outcome.

That’s it. This is nearly the end of Disney March Maleness. Good luck to Tim and Drunkie. I hope we can end this tournament on a bang and make all the contestants proud to have been part of this great game!

I sincerely thank everybody who has voted, and deeply appreciate all the guys who competed in the tournament.

Disney March Maleness: The Final Four

Thousands of votes have been cast. There have been tears of joy and tears of sadness. 28 sexy boys have said adieu. Their partings were such sweet sorrow. Now stand the final four men of Disney March Maleness: Disney Hipster Keith, Tim Tracker, Drunk At Disney, and me.

Your votes on Thursday, March 26, will determine the two finalists of the competition. To vote, simply tweet “I’m voting for @______ in #DisneyMarchMaleness.”

Remember that we are playing for great causes; the time for the popularity contest is over—now I urge you to vote for the guy whose cause touches you the most.

Without further ado, the Disney March Maleness Final Four:

The Disney Hipsters VS Tim Tracker

Disney Hipster Keith vs. Tim Tracker

Remember at the end of season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer how—in order to defeat The Big Bad—Buffy, Willow, Giles, and Xander merged into one psyche inside Buffy’s body? Well, with the way Tim Tracker has been barreling through this tournament, I thought Keith could use a little help. Really, The Disney Hipsters are a team, and they stand or fall together. Adam, Andrew, and Jamie have been standing with Keith this whole competition, so I’ve decided to let this super Scooby Gang merge forces for this one battle only. You may vote for @DisneyHipsters, @JKDisneyHip, AND Keith himself at @KJDisneyHip to cast a vote for Keith. You may still only vote once per hipster account, though. If Keith moves on to the finals, then it’s back to being a lone wolf.

But I need to point out that Tim is not The Big Bad—far from it! He and his wife, Jenn, have been tremendous in spreading the word about Disney March Madness. They have pledged to match the $100 I would give to Give Kids the World Village if he wins. His legion of fans have come out en masse to support him and he has graciously voted for his opponent time after time. Can he keep up the momentum? He received fewer votes in the Adonis Eight round when all the other contenders gained votes. His first two opponents did not campaign. Is the Tim Tracker juggernaut for real or is it time for Disney Hipster Keith to pay the price? Can the combined power of The Disney Hipsters defeat THE Tim Tracker? It’s a bit unlikely to happen, but we like to discuss it anyway.
Drunk At Disney vs. Turkey Leg Jeff

Drunk At Disney vs. Turkey Leg Jeff

I may come across as a happy-go-lucky fellow, but this match will be a tale of bitter revenge. Drunkie handily vanquished my beloved smoke monster, Brandon Glover, in the Adonis Eight round. No more smoky selfies. No more renditions of me singing “I’ll Make Glove to You” in my head. This means war, Drunkie!!

I honestly never thought I’d make it out of the first round of Disney March Maleness. I’m really flattered to be here in the Final Four, though I am facing my toughest challenge yet. Drunkie has been a congenial contender—posting videos, replying with thanks to each of the hundreds of votes cast for him, and graciously supporting his opponents. He has done it all with the most casual air, yet he has been working vigorously to forage for votes. But you never see him sweat, and that’s part of the charm. I’m going to have to overturn the fixins bar to find a way to take this superstar down and advance to the finals.

Can I drink this drunkie under the table, or will this beer-bellied beauty gobble me up and advance?

Disney March Maleness: Adonis Eight Preview

To say that inventing Disney March Maleness is the highlight of my month would be an understatement. We’ve gotten the hashtag trending in several places in the United States, thousands of votes have been cast, people are pledging money to great charitable organizations, the contestants are raising awareness for those causes with fantastic videos, and people are having a great time with the wackiness of it all.

Beginning Wednesday, 3/25, you’ll be able to cast votes in the matches below, determining the Disney March Maleness Final Four. To vote, simply @ mention the man who sets your heart aflutter with the hashtag. E.g. if you want to vote for Drunk At Disney, just tweet “I vote for @DrunkAtDisney in #DisneyMarchMaleness!” It’s that easy.

Remember that our guys are playing for great causes, so be sure to read up and vote for the guy with the most compelling cause. Now, on to the Adonis Eight…

Rob Yeo Vs. Disney Hipster Keith
Rob Yeo vs. Disney Hipster Keith

You, standing on the shores of Asbury Park, looking out on an ocean so vast that it feels like your love could never bridge the distance between you and him. Meanwhile, on the beach-side fields of Portishead, he stands at the edge of England looking west. He longs for your kiss, to be wrapped in your warm embrace, and to tremble when you hold him. “Keith,” he’ll say to you. “I can’t abide the distance between us any longer. Let’s move to Disney World.” You’ll hold him tightly in your arms, look longingly into his eyes and say, “Rob, I simply can’t afford a bungalow at the Poly. It just won’t work.” Heartbroken, you’ll pull away from each other as the coming tears make your eyes burn. “I guess this is goodbye, my love,” he’ll say to you. “Yes, ’tis,” you’ll reply. “Goodbye, my dearest Robbie. Or as they say in your country—cheerio, mate!” Your love was never meant to last; now you must battle to the death.

Tim Tracker vs. Ricky Stump
Tim Tracker vs. Ricky Stump

Ricky awoke with a start, drenched in a cold sweat, and filled with terror. He had been hearing them for days: their persistent marching, their truculent voices growing ever louder, their haughty breaths pulsating like heartbeats out of their flaring nostrils. They came with pitchforks—torches in hand, with a mantra so ferocious as to shake heaven itself with its velocity: “NOW IT’S TIME TO PAY THE PRICE! NOW IT’S TIME TO PAY THE PRICE! NOW IT’S TIME TO PAY THE PRICE! NOW IT’S TIME TO PAY THE PRICE! NOW IT’S TIME TO PAY THE PRICE!” Ricky shuddered, shoved the dystopian nightmare from his brain, and went downstairs to the kitchen. He thought it was early morning, but saw from the clock that it was already 10:30. His wife Megan was at the table, a half-eaten bowl of Fruit Loops in front of her, utterly engrossed in her phone. “Morning,” he said to her. “Hey sweetie,” she replied, not looking up. “What do you want to do today?” she asked. Ricky considered his options for a moment, smiled, and said, “The same thing we do every day, my dear. Live that sweet ass Stump lifestyle.” Megan, startled, dropped her phone, looked up at her husband, and cried out with a passion she hardly knew lived inside of her, “I love you so freaking much, Ricky Stump!”

Brandon Glover vs. Drunk At Disney
Brandon Glover vs. Drunk At Disney

The chickens could not fly for they had no wings. They waddled around the coop, unbalanced, and yearning for the air. They wanted to escape this place before the drunkard and his smoke monster returned. Gertrude, the oldest and wisest of the chickens had devised a plan of escape—they would construct an airplane large enough to fly all of them over the fence and on to safety. The chickens completed their makeshift plane just as Drunkie and the viciously sexy smoke monster entered the coop to grab them. Gertrude led the chickens in an open revolt against the fearsome duo. In the ensuing melee, the chickens were able to board the plane when Gertrude created a diversion. The chickens continued their flight to freedom, eventually establishing their own sanctuary far from the deadly coop outside Maryland Fried Chicken. The Drunkard and his smoke monster, having no more chicken wings to eat, simply devoured each other with their love.

Turkey Leg Jeff vs. Schmoofy

Turkey Leg Jeff vs. Schmoofy

Consuelo and I are sitting on the balcony outside the Main Street station of the Walt Disney World Railroad. She’s eating a box of the salty popcorn from the cart at the bottom of the stairs, and I’m chomping on a turkey leg (naturally). “Tilda told me that you are in the quarter finals of Disney March Madness. She says she’s voting for you.” “That’s cool. It’s been a fun contest. Whether I win or lose, I’ve had a lot of fun. All the guys have been really nice and they even posted videos and pictures and stuff.” “Did you meet anybody special? Get any dates out of it?” she asked. “No,” I answered curtly. “That sucks,” Consuelo replied. “Yeah,” I said. “Life sucks.” “It sure does,” I replied, as I put a comforting arm around her shoulder and looked out on a perfectly sun-splashed right down the middle of Main Street USA.

Disney March Maleness: Lost Boys & Beast Round 2 Preview

It was Saturday night and Brandon and Trig had me worn out. They just kept pounding me with more Disney March Maleness votes. The day climaxed with both guys advancing to the 2nd round of Disney March Maleness. Along with Dan (@NJ_Tree) and Drunk At Disney, the Lost Boys got #DisneyMarchMaleness trending in Orlando. I am surprised and humbled at how enthusiastically people have embraced this competition—over 3000 votes have been cast!

Beginning Tuesday, 3/24, you’ll be able to cast votes in the matches below. To vote, simply @ mention the man who sets your heart aflutter with the hashtag. E.g. if you want to vote for Drunk At Disney, just tweet “I vote for @DrunkAtDisney in #DisneyMarchMaleness!” It’s that easy.

Remember that our guys are playing for great causes, so be sure to read up and vote for the guy with the most compelling cause. Now, on to the round 2 matches.

Brandon Glover vs. Triggernel

Brandon Glover vs. Triggernel

Can the sexy smoke monster be evaporated by the Scandinavian sex god? It’s the burning question of the Disney March Maleness tournament. Fun fact: these two guys got the same number of votes in the first round, and from a lot of the same people. Now all of central Florida will have to ask themselves which of these Superfriends to support. On the one hand, you have the cool confidence of Brandon—a man so confident that he posts pictures of himself eating barbecue. On the other, you have the brash Trig—full of youthful vigor and more than a few shenanigans to get him votes (see his American flag underwear pic for details.) This one is within the margin of error, and I’m happy to cuddle up with either of these two in that tight space.

NJ_Tree vs. Drunk At Disney

Dan NJ_Tree vs. Drunk At Disney

These two guys campaigned better than Obama in their first round matches and it paid off for both. Drunkie easily topped Jim Hill and slid into the next round. Dan, on the other hand, unleashed a charm offensive unmatched by anyone else in the competition. With less than 100 Twitter followers, the tree from New Jersey racked up the 2nd most votes of the day. While I would still call a victory of Drunk At Disney an upset, I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility. However, as you can see from the pic above, nobody can slam back a plate of ribs like Drunkie, and what could be sexier than that?

Turkey Leg Jeff vs. Kevin Quigley

Turkey Leg Jeff vs. Kevin Quigley

I was shocked that I cruised into the 2nd round. Not because I’m not the epitome of Disney Maleness, but because my competition was the fabulous Guy Selga, whose fans are numerous. Now I’ve got a big head and am ready to take down Kevin on my road to being crowned Prince Charming of the Disney Twitter Community. Sadly, though, my big head has to take on the big muscles and darling dimples of Kevin Quigley. How do you compete with Kevin and his legion of adoring bears? Be certain that I’ll be pulling out all the stops. Could that mean you’ll see a video of me eating a turkey leg for your pleasure? Maybe.

Schmoofy vs. Kyle G.

Schmoofy vs. Kyle G.

Well, well, well. If Kevin Millar were here, he’d call these two gentlemen sneaky hot. Both of them took down sexy studs. Both of them took down guys with more Twitter followers than them. Both of them took down guys with hunky bodies and swoony smiles. How did they do it? Charm, charm, and more charm. Now they face off against each other and let this be a warning to both—you’ll need to step up your game to advance. You’re both one step closer to securing a donation for your cause and being crowned the champion of Disney March Maleness. It’s time to bring the erotic thunder, boys. Good luck!

Disney March Maleness: Greek Gods & Dapper Dans Round 2 Preview

After 2 long and hard days, 8 men pounded their way past the competition to get to 2nd base in Disney March Maleness. I was a surprised and humbled at how enthusiastically people have embraced this competition—we have had nearly 2000 votes cast, and the hashtag #DisneyMarchMaleness has been trending in the Orlando metro area! Thanks to everyone who voted.

Beginning Monday, 3/23, you’ll be able to cast votes in the matches below. To vote, simply @ mention the man who sets your heart aflutter with the hashtag. E.g. if you want to vote for Rob Yeo, just tweet “I vote for @robjyeo in #DisneyMarchMaleness!” It’s that easy.

Remember that our guys are playing for great causes, so be sure to read up and vote for the guy with the most compelling cause. Now, on to the round 2 matches.

Rob Yeo vs. Steve Reid

Rob Yeo vs. Steve Reid

These two boys utterly demolished their first round competition. Steve didn’t have to do too much to beat the buff beauty of the Disneyland Hercules, while Rob did a bit more campaigning. Can Rob keep those gym selfies coming quickly enough to compete with Steve’s laid back coolness? I certainly hope so! In the second round, things will surely heat up as quickly as our day dreams about these two heartthrobs!

Disney Hipster Keith vs. Lorenzo Tremaine

Disney Hipster Keith vs. Lorenzo Tremaine

These two guys were barely able to squeeze through to the second round, but don’t be fooled by that! Keith and Lorenzo each received more votes than Rob and Steve combined, making whoever wins this match the favorite to take the Greek Gods section of the bracket. They started engaging in a little trash talking on Twitter, but it’s a waste—the only words we want to hear from these two are the sweet nothings they whisper in our ear.

At Disney Again vs. Ricky Stump

AtDisneyAgain vs. Ricky Stump

In the most stunning upset of the first round, the mystery man himself, AtDisneyAgain, defeated the hunky, dimpled co-host of WEDWay Radio Nate Parrish. What’s more impressive is that he did it without revealing a photo of himself. This proved that Disney March Maleness is a lot like the lottery: you can’t win if you don’t play. Ricky Stump learned this lesson too, as he and his wife, Meg, drummed up support for Stump culture and Stump lifestyle. Their fast and furious campaign took down one well-known Disney fan photographer. Can they do it again? We’ll see!

Tim Tracker vs. Matt Hochberg

Tim Tracker vs. Matt Hochberg

Two juggernauts of the Disney fan community square off in this 2nd round match. Tim’s legion of fans came out in droves to heap their affections on him. But that happened after some rigorous campaigning. Matt, however, handily disposed of his first round opponent without any campaigning at all. Not too surprising—he always promises that if we give him five minutes he’ll give us the world, and I think some people want to hold him to his word. Perhaps we can convince Matt to put a little muscle behind his campaign? If so, the Tim Tracker titanic could be stopped in its track(er)s. Either of these two swoonboats could melt my iceberg any time. Good luck to both!